Hyp… hip-hop… hyp-hop-a-crit-im-us.

Bill Hicks, how to sell your TV in a year and a half or less, and Joe DiGenova.

 

I finally sold my last, and smallest, TV last summer. When powered on it crackled, popped, and made mechanical humming noises while the screen flickered for a few minutes, in and out of connection with whatever HDMI output it was programmed on, but it worked fine once it warmed up (it wasn’t a SmartTV or anything fancy, but it did have a loud soundbar at the bottom that was pretty bamf). It was a second-hand TV that I bought off of Craigslist from a SOG in between Westshore and Lois, which I realize now that I had to have passed literally hundreds of stores/pawn shops (from Hyde Park if you’re nosie like me) that sold TVs on my way to a strangers house with a couple hundred dollars cash on me; shit, when you put it down on internet paper it seems kind of silly- the things we do for electronics we hardly end up using. Anyways, that’s why I sold the fucker because I hardly used it. I hardly watched that one because I had a bigger TV which also didn’t snap crackle and pop in my living room. After I had a few moments of clarity (much in thanks to the writing of Tim Ferriss regarding Minimalism and Decluttering) I decided it was time to cut fat (both literally/figuratively), read more, and spend less time with eyes staring at an amusement box inside a room like a pet monkey in a cage. It took me a really long time to sell the TV from the time I unplugged it and set it to the side, but I can vividly remember the sense of accomplishment I felt after loading it in a different stranger’s car, but for the sake of this argument we will call this stranger ‘my fellow American’, and watching my fellow American drive off with a few of my old problems, and the cash reappearing in my hand. Somehow that’s all an underlying shout-out to a future free-market economy. Yes We Can, remember, you guys!?

I can’t remember who said it, but I can remember when I read the following paraphrased quote for the first time, and then I coupled that enlightenment with the enlightenment felt after reading the second following paraphrased quote- it really changed me for the better, though I know sometimes my sarcasm makes it seem otherwise:

-“You must aspire for knowledge like your body yearns for air to breathe.”

-“The goal in life of a free person should be to liberate someone who isn’t yet.”

That being said, before I continue, I just want to reiterate that I’m not saying what I’m sayin’ is right, I’m just asking for those of you who do disagree to consider where I’m coming from. When I say ‘disagree’, uh-oh, here we go- “Nick’s gonna rant about politics again” what’s new!? News flash: I’ve been called crazy so many times, it doesn’t bother me anymore. I know it sounds like I care because I’m talking about it, and it bothered me the first time I heard it, but I’ve long since embraced that badge of honor. So what’s the crazy dude have to spit from his crazy mouth? Nothing, actually, I’m just gonna post this video instead. It’s a longie but a goodie.

 

I’m just trying to make sense of all of this, though, I had my suspicions from the jump. I really just wanted to give some more information for all who were inquiring for more information about her emails.

My service in the Air Force was like a lot of people’s jobs, very stressful. But there’s something about the profession of protecting classified information that created a maniac in me in the likes of my obsession to pay very close attention to detail. Super attentive to detail, because my team and I accounted for millions of classified line items with different titles and unique serial numbers. Double-check? Try triple-check and quadruple-check. We seldom made mistakes in accountability, and when we did we owned up to them, learned and moved forward. We also knew what kind of dee-ee-eeeeeep fucking shit we’d be drowning in if we didn’t do our jobs responsibly. Can you imagine drowning in liquid shit? That’s what I imagine sitting in prison is like. Choking on poop never did and still doesn’t sound appealing. We took our jobs very seriously, because if we didn’t meet standards in protecting classified information, Uncle Sam was often standing by, eagerly enthused/enthusiastically eager to go to town on our assholes and make an example of us.

Image result for anus cartoon

Speaking for my brothers and sisters who have been prosecuted for something less serious, whether it was deliberately intentional or accidental or whatever, I think we do in fact have ourselves a “double standard”, and where I come from, if we aren’t accountable, well, do you see how that would not make sense to me? I’m trying to stay semi-on-topic here because we could point so many fingers, it can be hard to stick to just one.

All there is to do is wait for this thing to play itself out and let the evidence unfold. I guess. One way for me to help is to raise awareness on it.

What I’m not saying is I don’t make mistakes, because holy shit, that’d be a lie if I did. But I’m not making mistakes that are messing with the livelihood of other people, either, at least not on a colossal level and with seemingly deliberate effort and actually it’s not a mistake anymore when it’s that deliberate, if I may. If you’ve ever seen C*****n Cash or Loose Change, you already know. Roughly one snowball effect after watching the former was around the time I unplugged my TV.

#ReleaseTheMemo.

Image result for samuel jackson images

 

 

The Turning Point (of My Life)

A good deed takes a turn for the worst and I find myself face-to-face with an angry beast. Then I briefly describe a particular book that I think every American should read.

I’ve found myself in a bit of a funk lately, and I’m pretty sure part of that has to do with a lack of physical activity. I haven’t been out for a run since early November, so that will have to change. The reason I stopped running is quite the adventure.

I was bit by a dog in the left calf muscle. I could leave it at that, but that just doesn’t do the scar that’s on my leg justice. Story time.

Here I was, a regular night-or so I thought- was brewing up just nice. I was jamming out in my kitchen like I always do when I have the time, when all of a sudden: “BUR-BURRRM” my 5s with the screen cracked signaled to me. A friend of mine who went to EDC Orlando was down and out with the wook flu. A devout vegan, I heard her distress call and answered as fast as I could! She needed soup, but she needed soup that met her dieting standards, her taste standards, and something practical enough to unravel the miserableness. What was I supposed to do, let her die? Not on my watch. No suh, not up in here.

I should have known things were going to backfire on me from the start- the first two ingredients I had written down on my list: thyme and parsnips, were sold out at Winn-Dixie. Not a huge deal, not on a time-constraint because this is a good deed and a favor, but time was absolutely of the essence… or should I say… thyme… was absolutely of the essence(/Dr. Evil pinky to mouth). An extra trip to Publix for the snips and thyme, good to go, back to home base for prep and cook-time. Fast forward another hour, and the soup is ready for delivery.

Any who have ever seen or been in my car know how beautiful it is but how beautifully unpredictable it runs. How I made it to Pensacola and back for the hurricane this August, I still don’t know, because my car started overheating when I got to my friend’s apartment complex. Not a huge deal, not on a time-constraint because I made it to the destination, just gonna have to let ‘er cool down for a little while. Because of the way I packaged everything for the soup, and because my friend had her dog with her when she met me at my car, I decided I’d help her carry the soup to her quarters. This is where I guess I fucked up, because literally as we’re opening the door to her place, she’s telling me about the other “dog that lives here” and oh hello there, angry fella, oh good they have your collar, oh no, they don’t have you by the collar anymore, you don’t like me, I can tell because you’re trying to bite me. I’m standing here helpless with a giant pot of hot soup while this angry 70 pound dog is trying to eat my dick for dinner. Literally, if I wasn’t wearing a hoodie with a front pocket, I’m not sure what it would have bit on the first go. I tried to distance myself, but with the soup in my hand, things were happening fast but I figure my agility was at roughly 15% out of 100%(if you ever need the formula to calculate that, let me know). I couldn’t separate with enough distance, the next thing I knew, it’s mouth was on my leg teeth-first.

Legend has it, I didn’t make a damn sound or a peep of terror the entire time. Stone cold, but honestly, that shit really did hurt. The car comes into play again now, because it takes a good half hour to let the car cool down, and all of this happened within about 3 minutes. So, with my leg oozing blood and the calf muscle twitching like a bad case of leg-Tourettes, in a bit of pain, I’m sitting in my car digesting the scenario that just happened, texting a few people and trying to assess the damage done to my one-of-a-kind calf muscle… just patiently waiting for my car to cool down so I can just go the hell home and eat one of the edibles she gave me… time is yet again, of the essence, and not on my side once again.

None of this has anything to do with the turning point of my life… I hope I end up getting to that. Buuuuut, I digress.

Fast forward. Start up the Jag and start my way home. It’s about a 20 min drive home, not a huge deal, but about 30 seconds into my B-line for a Band-Aid I noticed that I was the proud new recipient of a blown out rear-driver side tire. Mind you, the second flat tire in just 3 days at this point. God, you mysterious lil’ Devil, you. I’m on to you and don’t think I’m not! To bring this story to a close, I finally got a friend to come snag me and bring me home. I ended going to the ER, getting some antibiotics and pain pills prescribed that I never did end up filling, and then I lived happily ever after.

I was pretty pumped about the scar, but there was more reward than that. On top of a bunch of other goodies exchanged for the soup, my good ‘ol friend still felt terrible about my misfortune, and it just so happens that she’s related to the voice of Michelangelo on the animated Ninja Turtles cartoon on Nickelodeon. Have a look at this badassery rightchea:

turt

What should have taken 2 hours from start to delivery to my being back at home all in one piece actually took me about 4, with a couple hours of OT in the ER. But. Did you look at that autographed figurine yet? Totally worth it. Maybe I’ll run Bayshore tomorrow.

So, I wanna drop some knowledge in this before I shut it down. This is where the turning point is laid on the table.

In 2011, I was taking a US History course through the University of Maryland University College. It was a distance learning course, because at that time, I was in the Air Force and I was somewhere near the middle of a 365-day volunteer special duty assignment in Qatar. I would receive care packages from family and friends from time-to-time, but one care package came from one of my old soccer coaches from the early intramural days. Along with some snacks, he’d sent me a copy of Howard Zinn’s “A People’s History of the United States” to supplement my History course. I didn’t think you were allowed to ship weapons through USPS, but I’m glad he sent me that book, because from the very first page of that book, I started reading some things that were far from ever being mentioned in the class textbook my classmates and I were using for reference. Or any textbook I’ve ever seen before. Zinn, a bombardier in the Air Force during World War II, earned his PhD after the war. He first taught for 7 years at Spelman College, an all-black women’s school in the South. He was eventually fired because he supported his students during the civil rights movement in the 60s. He then taught at Boston University until he retired in 1988. Quite an eye-catching resume, if you ask me.

I cannot stress enough how devastatingly enlightening that book was to me. It covers grounds from Columbus’ voyages all the way up to the War on Terror. Unfortunately, Dr. Zinn passed away shortly before I even knew who he was. Fortunately, his work has been laid out for us to pick up where he left off.

I can remember making ‘pilgrim hats’ and learning about Squanto(who spoke English so well because he was captured) and John Smith, Pocahontas, Thanksgiving (which wasn’t celebrated until the year 1817), etc. in Pre-School. We are taught to celebrate Christopher Columbus while we’re still pissing our pants. If that isn’t breading ignorance, I don’t know what is. There needs to be a time, soon hopefully, where we lift the drape and let the light in, because until we start educating ourselves and then each other with the facts we have been so conveniently left in the dark from as a collective mass, we are going to continue to see the same mistakes repeated over and over again.

I’ve had people tell me that I wasted my vote in the elections because I didn’t vote for this asshole or because I didn’t vote for the other asshole. People who have never served a table let alone a fuckin country, with a straight face, “Ah man, why would you waste your vote?” It really left a bad taste in my mouth.

Shut the fuck up and read. I’ll just leave it here for now.

Stay classy doe.

P.S. Yes, the soup was bangin’.

You can find a cheap, used copy of A People’s History of the United States here.

Image result for howard zinn a people's history

How do you start a blog? Oh shit is this thing on?!

A brief summary of just why exactly another blogger exists and a little mother neature breakdown for that ass.

I wasn’t even going to start like this, but I did anyways.

I sat here for about 2 hours last night trying to create something cool and funny for a nice ‘lil intro to the ‘sphere. And it was choppy and kind of all over the place, and I figured I’d draw a connect to why I’m even saying that in hopes to inspire other people to write. I have a lot on my mind! That’s it, that was my problem. I guess sometimes for me, when I have too much to say I can’t even begin. Or maybe I just needed to get some sleep. Either way, ya knah whah ahh sayh ehn?

I’ll give a quick little tip of the tip on why I started this, and then I’ll tell y’all some funny stuff. Bare with me. I feel like the ‘blog’ phase where “everyone has a blog” has kind of fizzled out a bit, so it’s fitting that I come in now. I started this for myself only. Where the connect comes back into play is, I’ve been teetering back and forth on this idea for many years and I have mainly just been bullshitting myself the whole time. Some of the smartest and most successful people in the world write every day, but just because I didn’t think I was good enough, I never pulled the trigger. Until now. So this is where I’m going to come to write about what is going on in my mind based on the world around me. It’s my offering of a unique perspective, from where I’ve ever been to whatever I’ve ever seen and errrything I’ve ever heard. My 8 years in the Air Force alone has put me in some of the most rewarding positions I could have ever imagined as a terd growing up, and I look forward to bringing that to the table(no pun intended(because my blog’s name is The Kid’s Table, you see?)). It’s weird that I’m just having this amazing epiphany as I write this right now… or is it weird? But back to my ego making me write this dang thang. It is part ego, fuck it, it’s all ego. But I have had way too many people show me that they believe in me for me to keep sitting on my hands.

I do hope that this website is seen by as many eyeballsacks as possible. I’m not here to bullshit or mislead anyone, I’m only offering my opinion. And here’s the thing about opinions– is that some of them are beautiful, Michelangelic in their ways of bleachness and puckerdom; and some of them are just plain old shitty as fuck and they fuckin’ stink! I’ll talk about anything and everything as long as it doesn’t get me assassinated. I’m here to have some fun and please don’t take everything I say (too) seriously. If you don’t speak sarcasm, then you’re going to absolutely love my writing.

So do you guys even realize what’s happening in Australia right now!? Was just burnin’ a fattie while the Discovery Channel danced to my ears in the background. The parrots in that continent that I believe you can also call a country but I could be mistaken are interesting as fuck is what’s happening in Australia, by the way.

Birds are just interesting in general. An interesting fact about me is that my favorite bird is a blue jay. But that’s neither here nor there. The Palm Cockatoo are lit.

If you ever get a chance, try and pull up some Palm Cockatoo footage. A lot of you may not know this about me, but I’m a pretty nice guy– I did it for you. OMG right? If you want the full effect, get really high first:

The whole time I’m watching this, I reach a point where I just couldn’t take it and I busted out laughing. Can you HEAR these things!? They sit there with there sick ass mohawks and look at each other talkin’ ’bout “Helloooooo” allllllll day, by the looks of it. That is hillair. I don’t know, though- I’ve got a sick sense of humor. (This is the actual clip I was watching. I love how the narrator has the thickest accent ever, and he cracks these corny-but-so-corny-that-its-actually-making-me-laugh one-liners as he announced their moves.)

Also relevant in today’s news, we are in fact still dropping bombs every day and war sucks. Let’s have less war, but in the meantime, parrots!

Raise your hand if you’ve ever been called crazy.

Well… This has been real fun. I’m Nick Muller.

Go fuck yourself, San Diego.